Baby girl update - 22 weeks!

How Far Along? - 22 weeks

Total Weight Gain? - 7.5 lbs

Stretch Marks? - Yep!

Sleep? - It was a little dicey for a minute but now I'm sleeping pretty hard and long.

Best Moment This Week? - She was kicking (I can only feel her right now) and she kicked me so hard that I spit out the water I was drinking...it was hilarious. I laughed really hard. 

Worst Moment This Week? - I had a stranger touch my belly, asking if I could get her to kick them....idiot! Don't touch me! I hate it! You, lady, are intrusive and I don't like you. And for your information, she stopped moving when you touched my belly. Don't do it again! Disclaimer - I don't mind people I know touching my belly but ask first...it's awkward when someone touches me and starts asking questions. If I don't know you that well, or, at all, then no touchy! I'm sure I'm not the first to feel this way and I know I won't be the last.

Miss Anything? - Laying on my stomach and Code Red Mt. Dew.

Movement? - All the time! Zack doesn't believe me but she moves even more when we are cuddling and I'm laying on his chest and his voice is amplified. She reacts to his voice and that makes me feel good...she already loves her Daddy's voice.

Food Cravings? - Random things at random times but mostly Greek yogurt and Cinnamon Rolls.

Anything Making Me Queasy or Sick? - Mexican food and flowery fragrances.

Gender: - GIRL!!!!!

Labor Signs? - Not yet and it better stay that way for a little longer!

Belly Button in or out? - In

Wedding Ring, On or Off? - On

Happy or Moody most of the time? - I'm pretty happy most of the time. I get really silly when I'm tired and "hangry" when I don't eat for a while.

Looking forward to: Zack feeling her kick. It really is an unreal sort of feeling that I feel Zack would totally love!

Baby is the size of an: Spaghetti Squash

Baby's development this week: She looks like a miniature baby now. Lips, eyebrows and eyelids are more distinct and tiny tooth buds are forming beneath the gums. Eyes are formed but the irises still lack pigment. She's 11 inches long and about 1 lb.

I know there might be those who want to see 'bump pics' but I don't do pics right now. I'm pregnant, big and uncomfortable. If you want to see the bump then come see me! Haha! 

What?! Really?! After all this time...

Big News! Coming January 16, 2014....

Calais Emmeline Hannon!

Yes, it's true, Zack and I are going to be parents. After 3 miscarriages and 4 years of praying and crying, our dream of having a family is coming true. Ok, cheesy part is over....but really, I'm over the moon right now. I'm somewhere between jumping for joy over the miracle that is my baby girl and crying hysterically over my insecurities of becoming a mother. Yay for pregnancy hormones. Ultimately, I'm so happy that nothing could bring me down. 

Baby girl looks good and is growing normally. I couldn't believe that, as she was moving around during our ultrasound yesterday, I couldn't feel her. She was all folded up like a frog and sucking her thumb...how adorable. At one point she turned her beautiful little head and kissed the camera...with her big ol' lips. She's gonna be a knock-out! She already, at 20 weeks, knows how to say I love you in sign language. That's my girl. She's gonna pick up French from her dad so easily.

Zack has always told me that our children were going to be bi-lingual. He was going to learn all these languages and teach each child a different one. Therefore, my children and their father will have their own language to share secrets in and I, the language impaired, shall be left in the dark. Oh, well. Better knuckle under. 

As for the origin of her name. I met a girl who had the name Calais and I loved it instantly. Zack later informed me that it was the name of a city in France. So we decided to roll with the French theme...did I mention that Zack is fluent in French and plans on teaching her it when she gets older? Emmeline is also French and was one of 3 other names that we thought went with Calais and Hannon (our last name). Maybe she'll hate it, maybe not. Either way, she'll have to deal and just be thankful she's going to have a very different name and won't have to be one of 15 million Ashley's in the world. Besides, it's beautiful, I like it and I get to pick.

Zack was hoping for a boy but she will have him wrapped around her little finger from the first moment. He's going to be a great daddy. Wow, seeing it written down is a little surreal...Zack is going to be a dad! He's a man of few words but I know that if he felt he needed to, he would jump up and down and cry with me. She's already so loved and we can't wait to meet her! Now, could the next 20 weeks go by quickly?

There Kalli, just for you:)

Something Out of Reach...

I would give anything to have a baby. Yep, I would. I know I've said it a thousand times but I think I never really knew how much until today. I was looking at friends facebook pages and what did I find...but three, count em, three, friends who are all having babies...and surprise, surprise, they are all "how did this happen" kind of babies. Of course I posted on all their walls just how happy I was for them but inside I think I broke down and it had no where to go but out my eyes. I cried for 20 mins!!! Me! The one person who tells all her friends that she only wants the best and happiest for them! How could I do that!? How could I cry and be upset over their good news?

What is wrong with me? Is my wanting a baby making it impossible for me to be happy for any friend who is blessed with a baby? Why wouldn't I want for my friends to have what I want. It's not like they don't deserve it. Each and everyone of them deserve it. It's me that apparently doesn't. Not if I can't just be happy for them.

But still, when friends show me ultra sound pictures and show me their cute prego bellies and clothes, I cry the second I'm alone. I do everything I can think of to be the happy, helpful friend but sometimes I just want to scream "WHEN IS IT MY TURN? WHY YOU AND NOT ME?" I wish I could talk to someone but everyone I would turn to is having a baby and me crying to them just makes me seem mean, and pathetic. Oh, man, I'm pathetic....the proof is in the blog.

Welcome to the Moulin Rouge!

Zack has been loving France! This past week he toured Paris and all it's "lovely" parts of the historic and majestic city. He has been learning a lot and practicing his French. He recently took a test to see where he was at with his fluency and accuracy and he passed at the highest level anyone can. Yep, I'm pretty proud of him. We haven't been able to talk all that much with the time difference and our schedules but we did finally get to talk today! We talked for almost 3 hours via Skype and I feel so much better. It was scary not knowing how he was or if he was even ok. One day I hope that we can go back so that he can show me all the places he's been so that we can share in these wonderful memories. Only 4 weeks to go!

Wondering...

Have you ever just sat somewhere, by yourself, and listened to the nothingness? I mean, really listened and heard nothing? Not a sound from many little machines that keep our worlds running, the wind blowing through the trees, or in my case, the rain falling on a tin roof, and wondered "where did the noise go?"

There are times in my life that I have imagined before they happened, cherished them while they took place and then thought of fondly when they were nothing but past. These times have shaped who I am, my beliefs, my personality and mostly my soul. Major moments include, my first kiss, my first boyfriend, the day I got engaged and my wedding day. But my new thought is, why is it that I only give credit to my shaping to the good times when in fact, most of who I am is built on lessons learned from the bad times. Bad times including my first heart break, my first breakup, my first big fight and the first time I had to hear "I told you so" and take it.

With Zack being gone I have filled my lonely little existence with work and cleaning. I balance washing my eerily stained walls with the three jobs I have undertook and have found that remarkably, I have no feelings one way or the other on my current situation (Zack being gone and me being alone). I have also found that all the instructions, memos and reminders I have crammed into my head have given me the great opportunity to not take in any more. Therefore, allowing me to hear nothing when I am sitting quietly on a break. This amazes me due to the fact that I normally can't stop hearing anything and always have something new to discover, share or comment on. Something Zack has informed me, is not something he is a great fan of. I attribute this to my mother, who never let doctors tell her that I would be deaf or that I wouldn't ever hear the little things most people don't realize they take for granted, IE. birds chirping, the wind, etc. - we all have something.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. When I was born I had underdeveloped ear drums and cochleae (ear passages) and it wasn't discovered that I couldn't really hear until I was older. I was unintentionally ignoring my parents when we were in the same room and I was getting the most horrendous inner ear infections. On multiple occasions, even the simple act of jumping up and down would cause my ear drums to rupture. One such occasion I actually was jumping from a coffee table to the couch and I completely lost my equilibrium and fell; I hit my head and had to get stitches. Any way, long story short, my parents decided that they were going to be proactive (thanks Mom and Dad) and get my ears fixed. I had two rather traumatizing procedures done to open my ear passages and to the delight of all, I was healed!!! When we were leaving the second dr.'s office I, even though I have no memory of this happening, turned to my mom and asked what "that noise was?", the noise being the birds chirping in the trees. Only then did my Mom truly realize what I had been missing out on. I had never heard a bird chirp!! Now that's crazy.

So, what does all of this have to do with the price of rice, huh? Well, I'll tell you. I am wondering why I tend to shut down when Zack is not here. I mean, I do the whole "I'm going to be so lonely and miss you so much" thing for a few days but after, I can no longer shed tears at the drop of a hat but I simply shut down my feelings. I mean I am still lonely and yes, I still miss Zack but what's the deal with me just shutting down? Zack has only been in my life for three years and before him, I could be the same me regardless of who came and went in my life.
Does this mean that I truly love Zack and no one else I may have "lost" in my life or is Zack the final prize of all the heartache, so that is why it's so hard when he is gone? I'm guessing most people will say the later but I really am wondering. I am not a believer in "soul mates" or "made for each other" so based on all the good times and bad times, is Zack, even at his worst, the one thing all those good and bad times were shaping me for? Is my life with Zack the big adventure all those other adventures were just a prelude for?

Yes. I do believe so.

World Traveler

Today Zack left for the USU French Study Abroad program. He will be in France for the next 5 weeks and I am already losing my mind. It has only been a day and it feels like he has been gone for days!! I miss him so much. I'm also a little jealous that he gets to go to France. Oh well, bummer for me. There is a downside to all of this...Zack will be missing out on some good friends' weddings. We have two that we know of so far and I get to congratulate them by myself. Oh how fun!

We'll have to see how the next 5 weeks go! Pray for his safety and for my sanity.

Back to Musical Homes...

So here we are again...moving. Ughh! I hate moving. Why does it seem that when you move and pull things out of closets and drawers, that ones stuff seems to grow exponentially? I just finished giving away half of my clothes and shoes and I am still left with too much to fit into my new shoebox of a closet.\

Our new place is about a third smaller than our current home (pics to come when we are all moved in) and I am sure I will go stir crazy before April gets here. We are moving to save money, be closer to school and work, and to hopefully be in a nicer neighborhood. Our current one has recently become a frequent of partying and police visits....not somewhere I want any future children to be raised. Our new neighborhood is all little houses built circa 1930 and filled with the sounds of children. Yes, our new place is across the street from an elementary school. How I can't wait to deal with all that entails...backed up streets, parents waiting in long car lines to drop off/pick up their kids, balls being kicked into my yard, the joyous sound of recess...you know, all the things that were normal when you were a kid.

This year, in all of it's, 1/4 of the way done, glory, has been so crazy. In January we decided that this would be the year that we would get out of debt. I took on another job and Zack picked up more hours so we could pay off a credit card...one down, two to go. We also found out that we were going to be getting a new nephew on Zack's side. We helped my sister, Britt, and her husband, Adam, move and boy was that interesting. They have been married for almost 4 years so they have lots of stuff! Luckily lots of it fit into the storage space they rented and there were only few breakdowns. We found out that some dear friends got engaged. Congratulations Kirsti and Shaun! Finally, we found out that Zack was accepted into the study abroad program in France! So exciting!

In February, one of Zack's groomsmen, mission companion, roommate and close friend of us both, got engaged to his sweetheart. Scott and Katie are made for each other. We started thinking of moving when we found out that our rent was being increased by almost $100! A little too much for us. Also, on a sad note, we were informed that Zack was the only one the school was going to support in France. Yep, because I'm not a student I don't get to go to France for a month. Tear* I could go but for me the cost would be over 5 figures between tickets, insurance, boarding and food for a month. I was pretty upset when I heard the news but Zack couldn't get out of it. He is still going even though I can't (I am currently ok with this) and is leaving the end of May and will get back the end of June.

As of this month, March has been interesting. We found a place to live, filed taxes, and worked our bums off. I was offered a pretty good job as the residential CNA for Cache Valley working with Caregivers Support Network and I am currently awaiting the state funding to come in so I can start work. I have loved working for Chrysalis but the CNA job will look amazing on my resume one day.

This year just keeps dragging on with more and more to do and more and more to accomplish. Our immediate plans are to get Zack safely to France and back, get a cat, pay off another credit card and buy a real table for our dining room. We also want to throw a baby in there somewhere, but that's just a dream for now. Ha ha, we have a long way to go.