I would give anything to have a baby. Yep, I would. I know I've said it a thousand times but I think I never really knew how much until today. I was looking at friends facebook pages and what did I find...but three, count em, three, friends who are all having babies...and surprise, surprise, they are all "how did this happen" kind of babies. Of course I posted on all their walls just how happy I was for them but inside I think I broke down and it had no where to go but out my eyes. I cried for 20 mins!!! Me! The one person who tells all her friends that she only wants the best and happiest for them! How could I do that!? How could I cry and be upset over their good news?
What is wrong with me? Is my wanting a baby making it impossible for me to be happy for any friend who is blessed with a baby? Why wouldn't I want for my friends to have what I want. It's not like they don't deserve it. Each and everyone of them deserve it. It's me that apparently doesn't. Not if I can't just be happy for them.
But still, when friends show me ultra sound pictures and show me their cute prego bellies and clothes, I cry the second I'm alone. I do everything I can think of to be the happy, helpful friend but sometimes I just want to scream "WHEN IS IT MY TURN? WHY YOU AND NOT ME?" I wish I could talk to someone but everyone I would turn to is having a baby and me crying to them just makes me seem mean, and pathetic. Oh, man, I'm pathetic....the proof is in the blog.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Welcome to the Moulin Rouge!
Zack has been loving France! This past week he toured Paris and all it's "lovely" parts of the historic and majestic city. He has been learning a lot and practicing his French. He recently took a test to see where he was at with his fluency and accuracy and he passed at the highest level anyone can. Yep, I'm pretty proud of him. We haven't been able to talk all that much with the time difference and our schedules but we did finally get to talk today! We talked for almost 3 hours via Skype and I feel so much better. It was scary not knowing how he was or if he was even ok. One day I hope that we can go back so that he can show me all the places he's been so that we can share in these wonderful memories. Only 4 weeks to go!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Wondering...
Have you ever just sat somewhere, by yourself, and listened to the nothingness? I mean, really listened and heard nothing? Not a sound from many little machines that keep our worlds running, the wind blowing through the trees, or in my case, the rain falling on a tin roof, and wondered "where did the noise go?"
There are times in my life that I have imagined before they happened, cherished them while they took place and then thought of fondly when they were nothing but past. These times have shaped who I am, my beliefs, my personality and mostly my soul. Major moments include, my first kiss, my first boyfriend, the day I got engaged and my wedding day. But my new thought is, why is it that I only give credit to my shaping to the good times when in fact, most of who I am is built on lessons learned from the bad times. Bad times including my first heart break, my first breakup, my first big fight and the first time I had to hear "I told you so" and take it.
With Zack being gone I have filled my lonely little existence with work and cleaning. I balance washing my eerily stained walls with the three jobs I have undertook and have found that remarkably, I have no feelings one way or the other on my current situation (Zack being gone and me being alone). I have also found that all the instructions, memos and reminders I have crammed into my head have given me the great opportunity to not take in any more. Therefore, allowing me to hear nothing when I am sitting quietly on a break. This amazes me due to the fact that I normally can't stop hearing anything and always have something new to discover, share or comment on. Something Zack has informed me, is not something he is a great fan of. I attribute this to my mother, who never let doctors tell her that I would be deaf or that I wouldn't ever hear the little things most people don't realize they take for granted, IE. birds chirping, the wind, etc. - we all have something.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. When I was born I had underdeveloped ear drums and cochleae (ear passages) and it wasn't discovered that I couldn't really hear until I was older. I was unintentionally ignoring my parents when we were in the same room and I was getting the most horrendous inner ear infections. On multiple occasions, even the simple act of jumping up and down would cause my ear drums to rupture. One such occasion I actually was jumping from a coffee table to the couch and I completely lost my equilibrium and fell; I hit my head and had to get stitches. Any way, long story short, my parents decided that they were going to be proactive (thanks Mom and Dad) and get my ears fixed. I had two rather traumatizing procedures done to open my ear passages and to the delight of all, I was healed!!! When we were leaving the second dr.'s office I, even though I have no memory of this happening, turned to my mom and asked what "that noise was?", the noise being the birds chirping in the trees. Only then did my Mom truly realize what I had been missing out on. I had never heard a bird chirp!! Now that's crazy.
So, what does all of this have to do with the price of rice, huh? Well, I'll tell you. I am wondering why I tend to shut down when Zack is not here. I mean, I do the whole "I'm going to be so lonely and miss you so much" thing for a few days but after, I can no longer shed tears at the drop of a hat but I simply shut down my feelings. I mean I am still lonely and yes, I still miss Zack but what's the deal with me just shutting down? Zack has only been in my life for three years and before him, I could be the same me regardless of who came and went in my life.
Does this mean that I truly love Zack and no one else I may have "lost" in my life or is Zack the final prize of all the heartache, so that is why it's so hard when he is gone? I'm guessing most people will say the later but I really am wondering. I am not a believer in "soul mates" or "made for each other" so based on all the good times and bad times, is Zack, even at his worst, the one thing all those good and bad times were shaping me for? Is my life with Zack the big adventure all those other adventures were just a prelude for?
Yes. I do believe so.
There are times in my life that I have imagined before they happened, cherished them while they took place and then thought of fondly when they were nothing but past. These times have shaped who I am, my beliefs, my personality and mostly my soul. Major moments include, my first kiss, my first boyfriend, the day I got engaged and my wedding day. But my new thought is, why is it that I only give credit to my shaping to the good times when in fact, most of who I am is built on lessons learned from the bad times. Bad times including my first heart break, my first breakup, my first big fight and the first time I had to hear "I told you so" and take it.
With Zack being gone I have filled my lonely little existence with work and cleaning. I balance washing my eerily stained walls with the three jobs I have undertook and have found that remarkably, I have no feelings one way or the other on my current situation (Zack being gone and me being alone). I have also found that all the instructions, memos and reminders I have crammed into my head have given me the great opportunity to not take in any more. Therefore, allowing me to hear nothing when I am sitting quietly on a break. This amazes me due to the fact that I normally can't stop hearing anything and always have something new to discover, share or comment on. Something Zack has informed me, is not something he is a great fan of. I attribute this to my mother, who never let doctors tell her that I would be deaf or that I wouldn't ever hear the little things most people don't realize they take for granted, IE. birds chirping, the wind, etc. - we all have something.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. When I was born I had underdeveloped ear drums and cochleae (ear passages) and it wasn't discovered that I couldn't really hear until I was older. I was unintentionally ignoring my parents when we were in the same room and I was getting the most horrendous inner ear infections. On multiple occasions, even the simple act of jumping up and down would cause my ear drums to rupture. One such occasion I actually was jumping from a coffee table to the couch and I completely lost my equilibrium and fell; I hit my head and had to get stitches. Any way, long story short, my parents decided that they were going to be proactive (thanks Mom and Dad) and get my ears fixed. I had two rather traumatizing procedures done to open my ear passages and to the delight of all, I was healed!!! When we were leaving the second dr.'s office I, even though I have no memory of this happening, turned to my mom and asked what "that noise was?", the noise being the birds chirping in the trees. Only then did my Mom truly realize what I had been missing out on. I had never heard a bird chirp!! Now that's crazy.
So, what does all of this have to do with the price of rice, huh? Well, I'll tell you. I am wondering why I tend to shut down when Zack is not here. I mean, I do the whole "I'm going to be so lonely and miss you so much" thing for a few days but after, I can no longer shed tears at the drop of a hat but I simply shut down my feelings. I mean I am still lonely and yes, I still miss Zack but what's the deal with me just shutting down? Zack has only been in my life for three years and before him, I could be the same me regardless of who came and went in my life.
Does this mean that I truly love Zack and no one else I may have "lost" in my life or is Zack the final prize of all the heartache, so that is why it's so hard when he is gone? I'm guessing most people will say the later but I really am wondering. I am not a believer in "soul mates" or "made for each other" so based on all the good times and bad times, is Zack, even at his worst, the one thing all those good and bad times were shaping me for? Is my life with Zack the big adventure all those other adventures were just a prelude for?
Yes. I do believe so.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
World Traveler
Today Zack left for the USU French Study Abroad program. He will be in France for the next 5 weeks and I am already losing my mind. It has only been a day and it feels like he has been gone for days!! I miss him so much. I'm also a little jealous that he gets to go to France. Oh well, bummer for me. There is a downside to all of this...Zack will be missing out on some good friends' weddings. We have two that we know of so far and I get to congratulate them by myself. Oh how fun!
We'll have to see how the next 5 weeks go! Pray for his safety and for my sanity.
We'll have to see how the next 5 weeks go! Pray for his safety and for my sanity.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Back to Musical Homes...
So here we are again...moving. Ughh! I hate moving. Why does it seem that when you move and pull things out of closets and drawers, that ones stuff seems to grow exponentially? I just finished giving away half of my clothes and shoes and I am still left with too much to fit into my new shoebox of a closet.\
Our new place is about a third smaller than our current home (pics to come when we are all moved in) and I am sure I will go stir crazy before April gets here. We are moving to save money, be closer to school and work, and to hopefully be in a nicer neighborhood. Our current one has recently become a frequent of partying and police visits....not somewhere I want any future children to be raised. Our new neighborhood is all little houses built circa 1930 and filled with the sounds of children. Yes, our new place is across the street from an elementary school. How I can't wait to deal with all that entails...backed up streets, parents waiting in long car lines to drop off/pick up their kids, balls being kicked into my yard, the joyous sound of recess...you know, all the things that were normal when you were a kid.
This year, in all of it's, 1/4 of the way done, glory, has been so crazy. In January we decided that this would be the year that we would get out of debt. I took on another job and Zack picked up more hours so we could pay off a credit card...one down, two to go. We also found out that we were going to be getting a new nephew on Zack's side. We helped my sister, Britt, and her husband, Adam, move and boy was that interesting. They have been married for almost 4 years so they have lots of stuff! Luckily lots of it fit into the storage space they rented and there were only few breakdowns. We found out that some dear friends got engaged. Congratulations Kirsti and Shaun! Finally, we found out that Zack was accepted into the study abroad program in France! So exciting!
In February, one of Zack's groomsmen, mission companion, roommate and close friend of us both, got engaged to his sweetheart. Scott and Katie are made for each other. We started thinking of moving when we found out that our rent was being increased by almost $100! A little too much for us. Also, on a sad note, we were informed that Zack was the only one the school was going to support in France. Yep, because I'm not a student I don't get to go to France for a month. Tear* I could go but for me the cost would be over 5 figures between tickets, insurance, boarding and food for a month. I was pretty upset when I heard the news but Zack couldn't get out of it. He is still going even though I can't (I am currently ok with this) and is leaving the end of May and will get back the end of June.
As of this month, March has been interesting. We found a place to live, filed taxes, and worked our bums off. I was offered a pretty good job as the residential CNA for Cache Valley working with Caregivers Support Network and I am currently awaiting the state funding to come in so I can start work. I have loved working for Chrysalis but the CNA job will look amazing on my resume one day.
This year just keeps dragging on with more and more to do and more and more to accomplish. Our immediate plans are to get Zack safely to France and back, get a cat, pay off another credit card and buy a real table for our dining room. We also want to throw a baby in there somewhere, but that's just a dream for now. Ha ha, we have a long way to go.
Our new place is about a third smaller than our current home (pics to come when we are all moved in) and I am sure I will go stir crazy before April gets here. We are moving to save money, be closer to school and work, and to hopefully be in a nicer neighborhood. Our current one has recently become a frequent of partying and police visits....not somewhere I want any future children to be raised. Our new neighborhood is all little houses built circa 1930 and filled with the sounds of children. Yes, our new place is across the street from an elementary school. How I can't wait to deal with all that entails...backed up streets, parents waiting in long car lines to drop off/pick up their kids, balls being kicked into my yard, the joyous sound of recess...you know, all the things that were normal when you were a kid.
This year, in all of it's, 1/4 of the way done, glory, has been so crazy. In January we decided that this would be the year that we would get out of debt. I took on another job and Zack picked up more hours so we could pay off a credit card...one down, two to go. We also found out that we were going to be getting a new nephew on Zack's side. We helped my sister, Britt, and her husband, Adam, move and boy was that interesting. They have been married for almost 4 years so they have lots of stuff! Luckily lots of it fit into the storage space they rented and there were only few breakdowns. We found out that some dear friends got engaged. Congratulations Kirsti and Shaun! Finally, we found out that Zack was accepted into the study abroad program in France! So exciting!
In February, one of Zack's groomsmen, mission companion, roommate and close friend of us both, got engaged to his sweetheart. Scott and Katie are made for each other. We started thinking of moving when we found out that our rent was being increased by almost $100! A little too much for us. Also, on a sad note, we were informed that Zack was the only one the school was going to support in France. Yep, because I'm not a student I don't get to go to France for a month. Tear* I could go but for me the cost would be over 5 figures between tickets, insurance, boarding and food for a month. I was pretty upset when I heard the news but Zack couldn't get out of it. He is still going even though I can't (I am currently ok with this) and is leaving the end of May and will get back the end of June.
As of this month, March has been interesting. We found a place to live, filed taxes, and worked our bums off. I was offered a pretty good job as the residential CNA for Cache Valley working with Caregivers Support Network and I am currently awaiting the state funding to come in so I can start work. I have loved working for Chrysalis but the CNA job will look amazing on my resume one day.
This year just keeps dragging on with more and more to do and more and more to accomplish. Our immediate plans are to get Zack safely to France and back, get a cat, pay off another credit card and buy a real table for our dining room. We also want to throw a baby in there somewhere, but that's just a dream for now. Ha ha, we have a long way to go.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Technical Difficulties
I have decided that blogging is not easy for everyone. I don't know how to change my settings so that the past few posts are visible. The old font color was set to white on a black background and now I have a white background...(yes, I can figure out how to change the background but not the font) which is causing me to have an aneurysm just trying to figure it out! I know how to change the color of the font while I'm in the composing stage...but what about previous posts? Also, my picture once fit the space at the top and now it appears to be too small and off to the left......HELP!!!! I'm so confused!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Another year older.
Here I am sitting at my computer instead of going to sleep. Why is always that the night before your birthday, whether you have plans or not, you can't sleep. Is it because of the three hour nap I took today? Probably, but due to it being my birthday in less than 30 mins, I am not about to blame myself. I guess I can say it is due to my very overactive imagination. I have been thinking all day about what tomorrow might hold for me. Is tomorrow the day when my life will finally fit into the plan I have had since I was 8 or is it one more day to notch up to mediocrity and disappointment? I know, I'm starting to sound like a poor pity me but let me finish.
When I was 8, I told my mom that I was going to be an actress on a big stage and then meet a handsome man from Ireland (no where near to Sanpete county) and who could woo me with his fluent french and other worldly languages. Who would take me to far away places and make my life interesting and anything but farm time fun.
Well, as my luck would have it I met such a man except for being from Ireland, he looks like a leprechaun. He speaks french but rarely uses it around me stating, "why should I speak in french around you? You don't understand me and I always have to repeat what I said in English." As for other worldly languages, he is fluent in nerd. Yep, he knows how to talk to computers and cheat his way through videogames. Oh, how I have been wooed over the last three years! We have been to far away places though, if you count Logan a far away place, where people are crazy and live in an eternal state of depression once winter hits. (Side note, it has been non-stop foggy here since October...yeck!) I have never felt so far away from home in my life which is sad, I'm only 3 hours away but when no one up here seems to be happy, it feels a whole universe away.
I also told my mother that I would have kids by the time I was 21. Well seeing as how when I'm done with this post I will have surpassed that time frame by 2 years, I guess that one was a long shot. Now I'm really not trying to sound sad and depressed, really I promised, I have had a great time being young and not having any responsibilities, I am now starting to feel the effects. I will say it, I am jealous of all my friends who are having children and building families. I am also very happy for them...no, my jealousy comes from somewhere deep inside, what I am sure is and can only be, my psyche. For the last few months I have been plagued by dreams of a little boy so real that I wake up expecting to see him in the kitchen eating breakfast and watching cartoons, only to find that my mind has tricked me again, thus leading me to tears of frustration and confusion.
A friend told me that I am just baby hungry and that I want a baby so badly that my mind has lost itself. If only that were all.
I know I'm baby hungry, you can ask my husband. I have been wanting a baby from day one but now it almost hurts and causes extreme pain when I wake up and these dreams are only that, dreams. This little boy haunts my dreams and my arms ache to hold him. I know his name, I can feel his little hand holding mine and I see Zack in his little face. I so want to meet him but nothing I do or try seems to be working at getting me any closer to him. It's so weird that someone who could very possibly be the figment of my need to be needed, have such a hold on my heart. So, I continue to pray and even through the hurt, continue to wish for a baby.
Happy Birthday me! May this year bring a dream come true!
When I was 8, I told my mom that I was going to be an actress on a big stage and then meet a handsome man from Ireland (no where near to Sanpete county) and who could woo me with his fluent french and other worldly languages. Who would take me to far away places and make my life interesting and anything but farm time fun.
Well, as my luck would have it I met such a man except for being from Ireland, he looks like a leprechaun. He speaks french but rarely uses it around me stating, "why should I speak in french around you? You don't understand me and I always have to repeat what I said in English." As for other worldly languages, he is fluent in nerd. Yep, he knows how to talk to computers and cheat his way through videogames. Oh, how I have been wooed over the last three years! We have been to far away places though, if you count Logan a far away place, where people are crazy and live in an eternal state of depression once winter hits. (Side note, it has been non-stop foggy here since October...yeck!) I have never felt so far away from home in my life which is sad, I'm only 3 hours away but when no one up here seems to be happy, it feels a whole universe away.
I also told my mother that I would have kids by the time I was 21. Well seeing as how when I'm done with this post I will have surpassed that time frame by 2 years, I guess that one was a long shot. Now I'm really not trying to sound sad and depressed, really I promised, I have had a great time being young and not having any responsibilities, I am now starting to feel the effects. I will say it, I am jealous of all my friends who are having children and building families. I am also very happy for them...no, my jealousy comes from somewhere deep inside, what I am sure is and can only be, my psyche. For the last few months I have been plagued by dreams of a little boy so real that I wake up expecting to see him in the kitchen eating breakfast and watching cartoons, only to find that my mind has tricked me again, thus leading me to tears of frustration and confusion.
A friend told me that I am just baby hungry and that I want a baby so badly that my mind has lost itself. If only that were all.
I know I'm baby hungry, you can ask my husband. I have been wanting a baby from day one but now it almost hurts and causes extreme pain when I wake up and these dreams are only that, dreams. This little boy haunts my dreams and my arms ache to hold him. I know his name, I can feel his little hand holding mine and I see Zack in his little face. I so want to meet him but nothing I do or try seems to be working at getting me any closer to him. It's so weird that someone who could very possibly be the figment of my need to be needed, have such a hold on my heart. So, I continue to pray and even through the hurt, continue to wish for a baby.
Happy Birthday me! May this year bring a dream come true!
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