Another year older.

Here I am sitting at my computer instead of going to sleep. Why is always that the night before your birthday, whether you have plans or not, you can't sleep. Is it because of the three hour nap I took today? Probably, but due to it being my birthday in less than 30 mins, I am not about to blame myself. I guess I can say it is due to my very overactive imagination. I have been thinking all day about what tomorrow might hold for me. Is tomorrow the day when my life will finally fit into the plan I have had since I was 8 or is it one more day to notch up to mediocrity and disappointment? I know, I'm starting to sound like a poor pity me but let me finish.
When I was 8, I told my mom that I was going to be an actress on a big stage and then meet a handsome man from Ireland (no where near to Sanpete county) and who could woo me with his fluent french and other worldly languages. Who would take me to far away places and make my life interesting and anything but farm time fun.
Well, as my luck would have it I met such a man except for being from Ireland, he looks like a leprechaun. He speaks french but rarely uses it around me stating, "why should I speak in french around you? You don't understand me and I always have to repeat what I said in English." As for other worldly languages, he is fluent in nerd. Yep, he knows how to talk to computers and cheat his way through videogames. Oh, how I have been wooed over the last three years! We have been to far away places though, if you count Logan a far away place, where people are crazy and live in an eternal state of depression once winter hits. (Side note, it has been non-stop foggy here since October...yeck!) I have never felt so far away from home in my life which is sad, I'm only 3 hours away but when no one up here seems to be happy, it feels a whole universe away.
I also told my mother that I would have kids by the time I was 21. Well seeing as how when I'm done with this post I will have surpassed that time frame by 2 years, I guess that one was a long shot. Now I'm really not trying to sound sad and depressed, really I promised, I have had a great time being young and not having any responsibilities, I am now starting to feel the effects. I will say it, I am jealous of all my friends who are having children and building families. I am also very happy for them...no, my jealousy comes from somewhere deep inside, what I am sure is and can only be, my psyche. For the last few months I have been plagued by dreams of a little boy so real that I wake up expecting to see him in the kitchen eating breakfast and watching cartoons, only to find that my mind has tricked me again, thus leading me to tears of frustration and confusion.
A friend told me that I am just baby hungry and that I want a baby so badly that my mind has lost itself. If only that were all.
I know I'm baby hungry, you can ask my husband. I have been wanting a baby from day one but now it almost hurts and causes extreme pain when I wake up and these dreams are only that, dreams. This little boy haunts my dreams and my arms ache to hold him. I know his name, I can feel his little hand holding mine and I see Zack in his little face. I so want to meet him but nothing I do or try seems to be working at getting me any closer to him. It's so weird that someone who could very possibly be the figment of my need to be needed, have such a hold on my heart. So, I continue to pray and even through the hurt, continue to wish for a baby.
Happy Birthday me! May this year bring a dream come true!