Wondering...

Have you ever just sat somewhere, by yourself, and listened to the nothingness? I mean, really listened and heard nothing? Not a sound from many little machines that keep our worlds running, the wind blowing through the trees, or in my case, the rain falling on a tin roof, and wondered "where did the noise go?"

There are times in my life that I have imagined before they happened, cherished them while they took place and then thought of fondly when they were nothing but past. These times have shaped who I am, my beliefs, my personality and mostly my soul. Major moments include, my first kiss, my first boyfriend, the day I got engaged and my wedding day. But my new thought is, why is it that I only give credit to my shaping to the good times when in fact, most of who I am is built on lessons learned from the bad times. Bad times including my first heart break, my first breakup, my first big fight and the first time I had to hear "I told you so" and take it.

With Zack being gone I have filled my lonely little existence with work and cleaning. I balance washing my eerily stained walls with the three jobs I have undertook and have found that remarkably, I have no feelings one way or the other on my current situation (Zack being gone and me being alone). I have also found that all the instructions, memos and reminders I have crammed into my head have given me the great opportunity to not take in any more. Therefore, allowing me to hear nothing when I am sitting quietly on a break. This amazes me due to the fact that I normally can't stop hearing anything and always have something new to discover, share or comment on. Something Zack has informed me, is not something he is a great fan of. I attribute this to my mother, who never let doctors tell her that I would be deaf or that I wouldn't ever hear the little things most people don't realize they take for granted, IE. birds chirping, the wind, etc. - we all have something.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. When I was born I had underdeveloped ear drums and cochleae (ear passages) and it wasn't discovered that I couldn't really hear until I was older. I was unintentionally ignoring my parents when we were in the same room and I was getting the most horrendous inner ear infections. On multiple occasions, even the simple act of jumping up and down would cause my ear drums to rupture. One such occasion I actually was jumping from a coffee table to the couch and I completely lost my equilibrium and fell; I hit my head and had to get stitches. Any way, long story short, my parents decided that they were going to be proactive (thanks Mom and Dad) and get my ears fixed. I had two rather traumatizing procedures done to open my ear passages and to the delight of all, I was healed!!! When we were leaving the second dr.'s office I, even though I have no memory of this happening, turned to my mom and asked what "that noise was?", the noise being the birds chirping in the trees. Only then did my Mom truly realize what I had been missing out on. I had never heard a bird chirp!! Now that's crazy.

So, what does all of this have to do with the price of rice, huh? Well, I'll tell you. I am wondering why I tend to shut down when Zack is not here. I mean, I do the whole "I'm going to be so lonely and miss you so much" thing for a few days but after, I can no longer shed tears at the drop of a hat but I simply shut down my feelings. I mean I am still lonely and yes, I still miss Zack but what's the deal with me just shutting down? Zack has only been in my life for three years and before him, I could be the same me regardless of who came and went in my life.
Does this mean that I truly love Zack and no one else I may have "lost" in my life or is Zack the final prize of all the heartache, so that is why it's so hard when he is gone? I'm guessing most people will say the later but I really am wondering. I am not a believer in "soul mates" or "made for each other" so based on all the good times and bad times, is Zack, even at his worst, the one thing all those good and bad times were shaping me for? Is my life with Zack the big adventure all those other adventures were just a prelude for?

Yes. I do believe so.